The Adventures of Martin in Auschwitz
Chapter XX: God Is Good
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| The Adventures of Martin in AuschwitzChapter XX: God Is Good |
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2004-02-17, Tuesday
The only way I can start this chapter is this: God is good. It sounds trivial and over-emotional. But I am neither a fool, not an over-emotional teenager and when I'm saying "God is good", I'm talking about facts, not about my feelings at the moment, I'm writing about what I'm seeing and experiencing, not about my emotions. When a teenage girl talks about God in that very emotional way, it might sound silly, naive and inmature for a man, who has been living in the tough world. But it is no more silly, if you tell him what God has been doing, instead of how he makes you feel. Modern christianity focuses too much on feelings and emotions, and that is the main reason for abundance of women in churches, and very few men, who really are men. All the writers of the Old Testament focused on facts, on deeds, on what God did. And so did Jesus. Search through the Bible and you'll notice that, unlike nowadays preachers, Jesus talked much more about doing and saying things, than about feelings and emotions. Not that emotions are totaly meaningless, it is just not the subject that should be emphasized so much. And I'm totaly against the idea that dealing with God has to be based on emotions and that he can only work "deep within", and that's the only place for him (apart from a church building, of course).
So, in my case, I can firmly state that God has been good to me recently. Only today I was given a new graphic card, supply of shaving razors, a considerable amount of dough and a cell phone. Everything works really well with my book, with programming work, with the relationships with people around and in everything else.
Since that little prayer in the bus of mine, followed by my response to what God has told me to do, everything I touch seems to work fine. Literaly. The cell phone I was given was supposed to be broken. And it was, it didn't work. I played with it a little bit and it works now. I don't what what I did. I touched it and now it works.
I've been wondering what I have done that God started to visibly bless me. Was it that I wanted to hear him more? I don't think so. Maybe it was because I started to read Bible on the daily basis? No, it's normal that christians read Bible, it is not the reason that God should suddenly show you extra favour. I think that the thing, which God honored was that I obeyed him. I come to think it is the key for having good relationship with God: figure out what he wants from you, and when you have done then - obey him. As the Bible says, obedience is better than sacrifice. And God rewards those, who obey him. Even if it is a little thing you have to sacrifice to obey him, he will apreaciate it much and the reward will be worth it.
The cell phone proved really useful. I spent half of this day in Krakow, and late afternoon I came back to Oswiecim, just to go to Ania to teach her some English. We talked about the last English camp and then I made her practice some English, and then her sister Ola showed up, and then we talked and finally I was home at eight. Only to correct an English homework for Mirka, who just came with Andrzej. And during that Andrzej got a phonecall. It was a guy from a local radio station. And they talked for 10 minutes on air. Andrzej was in a heavy shock for next two hours.
And in the evening I checked my voice mailbox and there were four messages. That was a really busy day. One of the messages was a guy... from the radio station! He called me too! And it was all because of Paulinka, who wanted to say "sorry" to me for a stupid prank and so she wrote to that radio station and the guy read me her letter. Oh my goodness, now I was in shock!
You will have an idea of how busy I was, when I tell you when I ate dinner. At 11:30pm. I didn't have time to eat earlier, since breakfast. But it was a "good" business (if there is such thing), which gave me the feeling of being useful and doing a good job.
2004-02-19, Thursday
Uh, how much I hate winter! Today I walked to a store and I felt like in the movie "Battle of Stalingrad". Lots of frozen snow, wind - even colder, dark, unpleasant and ugly. It is difficult for me to live in winter. And I am not talking about my vital signs - I am talking about visiting people, going to places, talking, playing, being active. In winter my life reflects the weather outside - silent, solitary, dead. To live I desperately need green grass, blue sky and blow of warm wind on my face.
2004-02-20, Friday
Ha! God continues to be good for me, because he has provided a way, in which I can wake up a little bit from this winter sleep. The way's name is: voleyball. Gosia asked me if I would maybe want to play voleyball with her and some other people. Sure I would! I don't know where, I don't know when and I don't know with who I would play - so it's just the way I like it! She'll come and pick me up tonight and we'll go play.
Ok, she did. We went to the school, where we were told that the voleyball was called off. Ok, no problem. But we had an hour to the arrival of Gosia's bus.
It was one of the coldest days this winter. It was so cold that I even felt my thoughts freezing. So we went for a hamburger or two and then we went on to look for a pub with two free chairs. Suprizingly, it was not that easy. In the first pub, the Mefisto (interesting name, isn't it?) where was no place for a needle. I looked around and as my eyes started to get used to darkness I started to notice people I knew.
- Hi! Hello! Oh, hi Ewa. Hi Adam! Kinga! Kinga, over here!
- Oh, Martin!
- Yes, Martin, hi!!
- Hi!
So after saying "hi" to few people we went on.
- Well, it didn't seem like they gave you a terribly warm welcome - said Gosia.
- They would have if I had come alone. Now you lead. Next pub.
- Ok - said Gosia and we moved on.
But the next pub was so crowded it didn't make sense even to enter. However we saw some people comming out.
- Hey, was it Iga? - I said. - Hi Iga!
- Martin!? Hello!
- Hi Gosia!
- Hi Martin!
- Hey! - said one of the guys, who was with them. - Are you this dude, I just saw in the kebab place? (he refered to the place, where we ate hamburgers)
- Yeap. That was me.
I was quite recognizable today, because my hair by some misterious reason sticks up like a rake. I don't know why, I never use anything special with it, only the cheapest shampoo I can find, that's is. Maybe my hair is adjusting to my personality. I have to admit this sticking up hairstyle is a pretty acurate describtion of my personality.
Gosia was getting impatient.
- Now what? - she said.
- Ok, how about Pro Arte? There's a chance it won't be that crowded.
- Ok. You lead.
So we went to Pro Arte. And guess what?
- Hi Martin! - this time I wasn't first to say that.
- Ola, hello! Good to see you! Have you seen the movie yesterday in OCK?
- Yes, I have.
- Can you belive it I missed it again?
- Martin! Move on! - said Gosia, dragging me out to the next room.
- See you, Ola!
Before I went on I had just enough time to wave to Patrycja.
Pro Arte is the kind of cultural cafe. Paintings, poetry, sculptures, that sort of cr... I mean, that sort of stuff. When we sat there with Gosia, one dude came and started playing piano. He playes really well, a little bit of blues, some old-fasioned tunes with improvising, all in good taste, spiced with a slight portion of jazz on top of it.
- He's out of tune - said Gosia.
- No, he's not.
Gosia was not exactly happy with my absent-mindedness and spreading my attention to so many people around. But she got really mad at me, when I went to the toilet and didn't come for quite a long time.
The reason was, that when I was leaving the can, there was a girl waiting (they have just one toilet, both for men and women).
- Come on in, it free now - I said to her with a smile. She was staring at me.
- Do I know you?
- I don't know - I replied. - Maybe.
- Yes, you were at a camp, weren't you? - she refered to one of the International Messengers camp.
- Yes - I still could not recognize her.
- You're Martin!
- Sure I am. But you must have changed much, cause I can't recognize you. What's your name?
- Asia. I was at the camp, when they put your motorbike on the roof of the building - Yes, there was such event. God only knows how they did it. - But it wasn't me!
- I know it wasn't you. I know who did it, bless their hearts...
- And what on earth are you doing in Oswiecim?
- Why, I live here!
- You WHAT? No, you MUST be joking.
- No, I'm not. I live here since September.
- What? Do you know Ola... - and here she put her last name.
- Sure. She sits right over there. I've just talked to her.
- My goodness, we come to the same class in school and she didn't tell me you live here????
- Well, she knows all right. She even was in my place few times...
- And she didn't tell me!
And it was then, when Gosia came with a lightning in her eyes and fury on her face:
- For goodness sake, Martin! What are you doing here? I have a bus to catch, remember?! Go! Now!
I was so astonished by this suprise meeting in the toilet, that I have fogotten about whole world! That's whole Martin. Like Peter Pan in Neverland - he can't remember anything, except the thing he is busy with at the moment.
Gosia was so mad at me, she didn't say a word whole way to the bus. And even then, when we were walking to the bus, somebody aproached:
- Hi Martin!
- Hello Jacek!
At least it was a boy this time...
Fortunately, we were not late and Gosia got in, after saying "bye". Her voice was even colder then the weather.
Ok, I was alone again. So I went on to the first pub, "Mefisto". And when I walked some flashbacks from my past apeared in my mind. I remembered I had a girlfriend once. And I remembered why I decided to be alone - it was because of things like today. Either I shared my life with the people I say "hi" to or I focus on one person. There was no compromise possible and there was a decision to make. And so I don't have a wife nor girlfriend. Painful or not, it showed to be a wise decision I made. For a girl to be with me would be like eating a rainbow or catching the wind - unusual, beautiful, magical, adventurous, but never fulfilling, never satisfying. One cannot build home on the clouds, only on something solid. But at this moment I chose to fly in the clouds, even if it means having no home. And if I have to fly alone - let it be.
I arrived in the pub. And this time I was warmly greeted by everybody. Except one stranger, whom I didn't know.
- Oh my goodness! - he said looking at my rake-style hair.
- Huh? What? - My eyebrows went up, as I was completely astonished.
- I don't know you, man - said the guy. - Move to the other table and get a beer or something.
- What the... - I started, but Adam interrupted and said:
- Hey man, chill out, we all know him. Come on, Martin.
So I sat down and talked to everybody and I felt right at home: I liked everybody and everybody liked me. Except the mid-age stranger. He really acted wierd. I looked around and they must have seen the question mark in my eyes, because Adam said quietly:
- We know as much as you do.
So I concocted, that the man must have been in the desperate need of company, so he chose their table and now they were all pretending they accepted him to the company, but in reality they were either avoiding talking to him or making fun of him. The second option is possible only when the person is a total moron. Which usualy is the case. I saw it happen before, at the New Year's Eve retreat, when we all acted in the same manner with this idiot from Warsaw, who tried desperately to impress everyone but saying lots of nonsense ("look at my legs, see those muscles? They are from climbing in Himalaia") and then repeating it five times to everyone he could catch.
This dude here had a different strategy of slipping into the group. He played a macho.
- Hey, man - he said to me again. - Have you just came from the bed?
What an idiotic sentence! I saw all my friends trying not to laugh.
- No, my hair always looks like that.
In the situations like those I usualy feel a reasonable amount of fear, which is good, because it keeps me from being extremaly nasty towards all poor morons God places on my way. I am generaly very friendly towards people, I try to sympathize with them and understand them, but some people (usualy men) are simply stupid and annoying, period. So was this guy. With a little bit of sarcasm, irony, double-meanings, well-placed accents and other linguistic tools I am able to humiliate such a man without him actualy realizing it (like I did not so long time ago at the party in Pszczyna). Maybe it is not exactly christian attitude, but I find it great entertainment to expose foolishness of a fool in the nastiest possible way. The thing that stops me from doing it, is a healthy little bit of fear. The fear whispers to my ear: "leave it, let it go, let him live his annoying way - it takes a man to control himself". And you know, sometimes fear is a good advisor.
- Where do you live, man? - said the Most Annoying Man In The Pub.
- Here - I said.
- In the town?
- Yes. Well not exactly, near OCK.
- And where do you live - asked a girl, who sat next to me.
- Ah! I live in Spain.
Of course this idiot did not live in Spain. He was trying to impress us. He was talking more pathetic rubbish of that sort and we all tried not to laugh. Finally, my friends seemed to be sick and tired of this company. So we left.
- Hasta maniana - said the Spaniard, when we were at the door.
I have to admit it was one of the most entertaining Friday evenings I experienced. I definetely have to start attending pubs on Friday evenings again.
And it wasn't until I came home, when I realized that I've been walking around pubs all evening and I haven't drank a drop of beer! Can you belive it? Outrageous!
2004-02-23, Monday
Well, weekend was over, so I planned to do something useful. But as soon as I woke up and looked out of the window my fire went dead. Cold, wind, snowing, sky white instead of blue. It was the type of weather, which is the most encouraging to die. Or sleep at least.
I went to the bathroom to shave, cause I didn't want to look like Tarzan. I decided to use my new shaving cream, which I was given as a gift recently. It was a bad idea. I cut my face in more places than Michael Jackson had plastic surgery. Which means, I cut nearly all of my face. As I watched drops of blood dripping sadly on my DDRB (a Device Distantly Resembling Bathtub) I knew it would not be the best of my days.
And it wasn't it. However, quite agaist the logic, I got quite a bunch of visitors, including two extra serious conversations. One of them was with Wiktor, which suddenly feels much better, concerning spiritual things. When he entered, his first suggestion to me, was "how about reading Bible?". Although it was really difficult for me to concentrate on anything, we read together the letter of Jacob and had quite a good talk. Which was good.
Another good thing is meat. I decided I need meat. So I bought chicken ham and chicken hot-dogs - my first hot-dogs here. And I also bough some mustard. Now I have to buy hot-dogs more often, because I have to finish the jar of mustard, before spring comes. Why? Because mustard should be kept in a fridge, and my fridge is outside of window. When the temperature raises, my fridge doesn't work any more. That's why I have to eat meat now. Strange reason, but perfectly logical.
2004-02-24, Tuesday
Today, after a little consultation with my stomach, I decided it would be good to buy a bottle of non-alkoholic karmel beer. So I went to the store to get it. I found the "beer alley" (that was the name in the store), I spotted the bottle and with a shout of triumph I reached to grab it by the neck. I raised it - and the rest of the bottle fell off. It was a glass bottle, so it broke with terrible noise, spilling the brown liquid all over the floor (and my pants too). And I was standing there with a glass neck in my hand, thinking: "how peculiar! How can a bottle break like that? It just broke in my hand!"
I stood there for two minutes with the neck in my hand, wanting to show this phenomenon to somebody. A miracle! It's supernatural! Hey, bottles don't break like that! Please, somebody come and marvel!
And of course nobody came to admire it was supernatural. People don't pay attention to the amazing things of this world any more. Only interested with buying their beer, paying and leaving.
So what could I do? I took another bottle, payed at the desk and left.
2004-02-25, Wednesday
I woke up in the morning, went shopping, ate and read Bible. Then I thought: "What do I do now? Ha! Wouldn't it be a good day for doing some work?" But then a friend from Krakow came to visit and I forgot all about it. And then Iga came for English lesson. And then Andrzej came to chat and to ask where I was, when he had came to my place to take me somewhere. I didn't remember where I was. Definetely not home. But before Andrzej came Ania for "tea and gossips".
That is a brief description of my day from 11:00am till 6:00pm. And to think that I once said it would be a perfect place for work!
2004-02-26, Thursday
On Thursday nothing worth mentioning happened, besides more people visiting and me almost getting killed by stepping on my shoe laces. When I'm home, I sometimes wear my tennis shoes, because my feet are terribly cold. And so are my fingers. And I generally hate cold. And I hate winter. Anyways, I put my tennis shoes on, but I didn't tie the shoe laces. And I must have stepped on the loose end, because I suddenly felt I was falling. I fell off the chair and hit furniture. And it might have been such a amazingly wierd death. Killed by your own shoe laces...
I got the first two critical comments about my novel, which parts have aleardy been sent to several people. One of those comments I wrote myself, so it doesn't count. The other one pointed that writing about bad smells is in a bad taste. Shoot, I knew I should have skipped that part about farting...
One of the problems with me is that it doesn't take much to make me abandon my enterprice. So I am wondering if it wouldn't be wise to just forget the whole writing business and focus only on programming? In programming I am sure I am good. In the other areas - well, it's not that clear to me.
The fact that I like to make up stories and write them down doesn't necesarily mean that I can do it well. It is a more general problem. I can't stop asking myself: "maybe I am not good in doing this-or-that, maybe I just think I am? Maybe I am deluding myself?" Such questions come because I constantly seek a place, where I would know I am inexpandable, where I feel I fit, where I am sure that nobody can do my job better than me.
Do you feel the same way sometimes? Do you seek a place which is meant for you, wher you fit better than anobody else? I bet you do. Many people have the same problem, because it is obvious that only very few people can be really, undoubtedly the best in what they do. Everybody else has basis to feel redundant and replacable (for those who are better) at times.
But it is not that sad picture as it seems at first. Because many people can be the best in a certain place, certain time and certain circumstances. Even if you are a broom operator (the politicaly correct description) in a school, you can be the best broom operator that school ever had! And if you feel that, know that and are told that, it makes you feel quite glad, because you know you have found your place. It is the place, where you are the best, because you know that nobody can operate a broom in that specific school better than you.
Men need to be in such a place to feel fully happy.
2004-02-27, Friday
Another cargo of snow came down from the heavenly suplier. It didn't make me too happy, as there is no demand for that type of merchandise on my part. On the contrary, I felt so sick and tired of snow, it made me so lifeless, that I couldn't even gather enough strength in me to go out to meet people in pubs. That is not a good sign. I feel I reached my limits in putting up with low temperature and white color.
2004-02-28, Saturday
It was such a terribly uninteresting day, it is not even worth mentioning. Even more snow. My fridge is half covered with snow. It doesn't stop the birds from eating some of the food I store there. The war for resources between me and the birds continues.
2004-02-29, Sunday
In my desperate strugle with "winter attitude" (which is more like no attitude at all) I have decided to experiment with food. Therefore I went to a store and explored it carefuly. I found a bag of rise with vegatables. I bought it, fried it - it was really good! I think I'll make it my third food option, besides potatoes and spaghetti.
My goodness. I must in a really bad shape if the most interesting thing in my life is eating rise with vegetables.
2004-03-01, Monday
The March started with Wiktor comming at 9 o'clock in the morning and desperately trying to make me wake up and open the door for him. Which I didn't. I was barely concious at 9 o'clock. I spent half of the night before on editing and rewriting the next chapter of my book, because it was to be sent out on Monday morning. When I finished it was 4.00am and I was extremaly tired. And now Wiktor comes at the wickedly early hour of the day, and keeps pressing the intercom button for five minutes. He didn't stop there, he started to call my cell phone too. I had problems with keepting my eyes open, but the noise was so unbearable that I got up, went to the intercom, unpluged it and went back to sleep. I was to tired to even think what I was doing.
Well, Wiktor came happily later, at noon, bringing a roll and a bottle of Coke, which helped me a little bit to stay awake during the day. And we talked about serious stuff and we played a non serious game. I like it this way. To have relationship with people both fun and serious, to be able to play and to talk about important, personal things.
And then in the evening two girls came. First they got their hands on my little photo camera and then they started to play and sing karaoke music. And when I tried to make them hot chockolade I found my electrical kettle not working! How terrible! How am I going to make people tea and chockolade? So I tried to fix it, but I couldn't. The power was on, the red light was indicating the water was being boiled, but it stayed cold all the time. The immersion heater inside looked OK. It was beyond my powers to fix it. It's a terrible diseaster. I can do without a frigde and shower, but without an electrical kettle? Life is cruel.
I went to sleep late. Wiktor dropped in again to tell me a suprizing thing that God has just done in his life. It was one of those things that make you both ashamed and happy. Quite strange indeed. I hope Wiktor learns something from it and doesn't forget the lesson too soon. He stayed till midnight and of course we played the game afterwards. I won as usual. But he keeps trying.
2004-03-02, Tuesday
I slept happily till 10:30am and this time nobody woke me up. Wiktor came again and this time he wanted me to tell him the gospel. He wanted to hear the whole message to know how to tell in on others. And so I did. I hope he'll make good use of what he has heard and instead of burying this treasure he'll pass it on. It is the message that can change one's life. It can change it like nothing else on earth. There were many great men, who gave their lifes for this message. And someone more than a man.
2004-03-04, Thursday
Today I got a phone call and it was the same guy from a local radio station, that had called me before. The last time he left the message on my voice mail, but this time we talked. How stressful! When you know that quite a bunch of people are listen to you right now it makes your tongue more twisted than the mind of Marylyn Manson. And it was Paulina, who wrote to that station again about me. And the radio man asked me about the things she wrote and about my songs I've recorded on a CD (my goodness, she wrote him about THAT!) and he even wanted me to send him one. Quite embarrasing.
Besides that I noticed I can't force myself to write. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I am concerned too much about people's oppinions. It gives me so much stress I don't enjoy writing any more. Not good, not good.
2004-03-05, Friday
I had an opportunity to go to Krakow to spend a night on playing games with friends in the internet cafe. I thought a little bit and decided it might be just the thing I need not to be so stressed out.
So I went. And so we played and had a great time. It is a good relax. Some of those guys read my book and I got two more oppinions. One of them was that the first chapter is really funny and is actually the best. The other guy said he laughed so hard he nearly wet his pants. Now that is what I call "oppinion"! Ironicaly, the passages he found the most funny, were exactly the same, which somebody else considered rather embarrasing. After listening to the several opinions that stand in the direct contradiction to each other, I have finally found the cure to my writing stress. I will simply ignore all the oppinions! It is the only way to remain sane and not loose sense of humor. I came to the conclusion that the best way to write a book is by totaly ignoring readers. Sounds stupid, I admit. I don't know if such attitude makes the thing you write better, but you certainly feel more free, less stressed out and you can actualy enjoy what you're doing. So, all in all, it may be the best idea I had for a long time. Or a total diseaster.
2004-03-08, Monday
Monday is a good day to start. To start working on the book, for example. I still can't get myself to work - unbelivable! I already have 21 subscribers and - exactly as I planned - it gives me a good motivation to write. But today it was quite impossible, because I had quite many visitors. So here is some conflict. As usual, I will have to rely on God to make the things work out.
2004-03-09, Tuesday
I received an interesting e-mail. A friend of my friend wrote to me, saying that he had been given a CD with my songs recorded on it. To make the long story short he said he liked the songs and he offered to record them again, so they are of a much better quality. Now this man is a musician! I've heard some of the songs he recorded and the quality is excelent. Very professional. Comparing to his production my CD looks like a 30 years old car made in Russia, comparing to a new model of Porsche. I'm quite in shock now.
Yes, I wrote some songs and I recorded them, but I have long forgotten about it. And now I was recently reminded twice of this insignificant incident in my life. Once by the man talking about it on the local radio and the second time now, from a musician, who seemed to like it enough to rerecord it. My singing career died before it was ever born. I buried it with kind of relief and moved on to other things. And now, to my total astonishment, I watch it rise from the dead. I don't really know what to think about it. And what is the most suprizing to me, I find it much more a reason to be embarrased than glad.
One thing I know for sure. Today the world looks much stranger than it did yesterday.
2004-03-10, Wednesday
To make it even more strange, today I got a phone message from one of the companies I had worked for. They asked me if I maybe wanted to do some translation from Polish to English for them. Now, I don't really know. The last time I made the translation for them they tried to cheat on me, changing the terms of the agreement after the job was done. The manager counted it all up and said it was too much money. Couldn't pay that - too much. Well, that was what we agreed for. It was clearly unfair and dishonest. Unfortunately for the company, God seemed to have the same oppinion as me, because one day I wake up with all the money, which they were holding, already in my bank account. By somebody's mistake I was transfered all the dough. I remember I laughed my head off at this accident - God really has sense of humor. So do I. Of course I didn't send the money back.
That is why I was so suprized they contacted me now. I would imagine that after such shameful events they'd wish to forget it all and stay away. Strange, strange. This world is so complicated, unrational, illogical and unpredictable it is virtualy impossible to plan anything.
Having in mind those past events, my general low self-confidence concerning my English skills and not much time left here, I don't think I'm the man for this job. Well I don't know. We'll see.